thoughts on motherhood

If you read my earlier post, you would know that Jonah was screaming in my ear while I was typing it. Now he is sleeping soundly on my chest and as I was looking at the post about his blessing, I got a little emotional. Motherhood can do that to you. Occasionally I will look at him or a picture of him and be totally overcome with emotion. I love being a mother more than anything in this world. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. It is emotionally draining, and not just with happy emotions. There are anxious emotions, sad emotions, worried emotions, frustrated emotions.

I love babies and I always have, but he is a hard baby. I will admit that. Maybe it's just because I've never had my own baby before, but I don't remember my little brothers and sisters being hard. And I was fifteen when my youngest sister was born, so I would remember. I will also admit that I was scared out of my mind when we found out we were having a boy. I had heard horror stories from Scott's mom about him as a baby and I was terrified that our baby was going to be the same way. Turns out he is! At least we know he is his father's son! But even though this is hard, the best parts come in the little moments. Like when he is sleeping soundly on my chest and I can smell his new baby smell and kiss his cheeks off. Sometimes I can't stop kissing his cheeks. Or like when I give him a raspberry on his tummy and he opens his mouth wide like he is trying so hard to smile and I can almost see it. His face is so sweet when he does that. Or when he does his complaining coo. He doesn't cry but since he's not crying he has to be complaining. It is such a sad voice and it makes me laugh everytime because he is so serious about it.

I was thinking the other day that I can't wait until he grows out of his fussy stage and I can't wait until I can feed him something other than breast or I can't wait until he fits into all his clothes or I can't wait until this or that. Then I realized that I will never have today back and soon he'll be off on a mission or gone to college or married and having kids of his own. I probably will look back at these days and wish I had them back even though I would have to listen to his constant screaming. I am trying to remember the moments that make me really happy and cherish them. They make all the hard work worth it. I am trying to make it so that I won't have to look back and regret that I didn't soak it all up when I had the chance.